40 Years in the Wilderness

Have you noticed how God seems to work through the talents He gives people? I never really stopped to look at my talent as God-given. I didn't feel "talented" because I had to work so hard at what I did. It didn't feel like it just came naturally. I was a dummy! No, Destiny Fox and Stew the Lamb are my dummies, I was an idiot!! I never thought of it as a gift, it was just something I was exposed to a lot, so I decided to do it, too. It started when my dad sat me in the floor in diapers in front of one of his guitar-playing and singing friends. I rocked back and forth for several songs until I finally fell asleep. Eleven years later I was given the same clarinet my sisters used to get started in band so we could march and perform like my mother did in school. I was the only one who wanted to be a majorette like her. And I was. Thirteen years after I sat in diapers listening to my dad's friend play and sing, I had a guitar and was doing the same thing right along with him. At fourteen I was winning contests and landed a spot as a regular on local TV. But I worked hard at this. It was not natural. But now I know it is the desire to do these things that is my gift. But it took awhile. For years (thirty or something) I played an instrument and sang; I had my own band, I sang in some of the best known establishments, I won more contests, I had my songs recorded. But when it came time to "make it," something always went wrong... and in some cases, painfully wrong. Let me just say that I had every terrible thing that could be done to woman that I could still manage to crawl away from a smarter and wiser woman.

It wasn't like I was ego-driven at all, which may have been the problem, since so many people are better at selling themselves than I was back then. I loved the friendships I made and the attention. Yes, I love attention. But it was still like something was missing; I had a fear of success, I had lack of self-esteem, I was too fat, it was always something. Then I had jealous and abusive husbands (yes, I have had more than one) who either used me for their own gain, or made sure my feelings held me back. The first husband left me after six years because I was overweight, on our son's first birthday. "I can't be married to a fat woman," he said. Then the second husband stepped in as a father figure for my son. He was great with my him, but sometimes abusive with me. But don't think I didn't give it right back! But this time of my life, I didn't carry a gun, but I packed a mean wallop of defense! For five years I remained the loyal wife. I even went to Alanon trying to understand his outbursts of anger. What I loved most was that he was my manager and kept me working, but then he grew jealous of the men in my band, so I had to start working a single act. I felt very alone. It was never the same again.

After five years he took me to Michigan, and we turned out to never have been legally married in the first place because he was still married to someone else there! While he married me in Texas, he knew perfectly well his wife in Michigan had never divorced him! He'd just left her! What a character HE was! That is one of those unbelievable things that happened in my life, that I know had to have a much bigger picture. I do believe some marriages are not God-planned. I've read in the book of Mark about divorce and how you are an adulterer after you've been divorced, but when they divorce you and you have no choice, that has to be an exception to the rule. And you can't stay in a marriage where you are beaten and abused both physically and mentally. This can't be a marriage recognized by God, as far as I'm concerned– and in my case God was showing me who to marry. This joke of a man I thought I was married to, was the conduit that led me to my "real" husband—the one I've been with for over twenty years. How else would I have ever gotten to Michigan? It's not like people in Texas just say; "I think I'll move to Michigan!" As beautiful as it is, I missed the Seattle area, where my career began, so much, that it took real love to get me to stay in Michigan. Plus God gave me another son. I now had two sons, ten years apart and eventually gave up my career to stay home and raise them, (with much coaxing from my husband). I wasn't lonesome anymore... but after awhile I really missed singing.

I'm getting ahead of myself a little here...

Before I arrived in Michigan, since I was lonesome on stage, going from having a full band to working a single, I made a little man. A little man that loved me unconditionally and LOVED to hear me sing! His name was Omar. I made him out of soft-sculpture and pantyhose. I gave him big blue eyes and a bald head. (If he was too attractive my husband may have been jealous again!) I attached his head, arms and legs to my one-man-band type of instrument, called an Omnichord back then, and I didn't have anymore good-looking lead players or drummers to love (as good friends) that would get me in trouble. I was set. Or was I?

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! Have you ever heard the word "I" so many times in one blog before?

It was all about me! Where was God? Was life really all about me? Who gave me the desires I was struggling with and not using at their fullest? Why was I being abused? Because I was going in the wrong direction? Wow! I think "I" finally got it! I needed Him in my life so I would have more U-U-YOUs!

Nope. I was wrong again. But I was getting closer now with God more prominent in my life.

The "right" direction was better, but there was still a problem. (I lived near NASA for awhile. During some of my "married to the band" troubles I loved to tell the guys; "Houston! We've got a problem!" (By the way, when did an H start becoming silent? When did we become Yumans instead of Humans, and learn Istory instead of History?— I never once heard "Youston, we have a problem" when I was in Houston!)

Anyway... (No, I am not on drugs! Been there, done that!) Did I tell you that one of my gifts is honesty? Sometimes it's not for my own good! I have been known to wear my foot in my mouth quite often.

Once I was in Michigan where God set me up with a good providing husband and roots, for the first time in years, I could see more clearly with my heart. I missed too many little hints along the way because I was not "spiritual" enough before. I didn't look at things as communication or signs like I do now. I didn't go to church, but for some reason I felt drawn to singing in church where they wouldn't care how fat I was. They would accept me for me. But what would they think of Omar? I changed his name to Ezekiel and we gave it a try. But no. He was Omar for too many years and I didn't know how to have an Ezekiel act... after I finished singing "Them bones" while I slowly put him together, I wasn't sure what to do next! My comedy found no comfortable place in the Bible. My Omnichord sounded so much like a toy compared to some of the better music ministry projects. If I was going to do this for God instead of myself, I wanted to do it "right."

But I soon found out nothing feels "right" when you are going the wrong way with your talents.

When I found out my mother was dying of cancer, the first thing I did was write a song for her and go into the studio to record it. It wasn't easy, but my parents were thrilled with it. My mom was "sick" most of my life and the song was all about finally getting to stretch her wings. She loved it. Dad played it for her over and over while she lay dying. What I didn't realize at the time is that I just wrote my first Christian song. Something else that seemed to intrigue me was that as soon as they found out she was dying they looked for a church to go to! THAT was something that made me feel very curious. I didn't know why. I'd never seen them go to church in all my life. This told me there is more to this Jesus thing than I realized. I loved God. Talked to God. I knew His angels protected me many times. But my parents never took me to church. They couldn't even remember if I was Baptized or not. I learned about God from my sister when I was little. She said I better be good because there was a mean man up there that would strike me with lightning if I wasn't! So I developed a good, close, talking relationship with this "mean man" early in life so I could stay on his nicer side!

Two days after my mother died, my father died, too! He died of a brain aneurysm. After I got over the shock, I thought about how sweet it was, as I remembered my Dad saying he wanted to spend his "golden years" with my mother, feeling as though God was cheating him out of it. I think he has a special relationship with God that I never knew about and going to church helped him see it again. Iwa Jima left him with an unwillingness to share much about his personal feelings. But I saw this as God's way of being good to him. I remember the disappointment I felt that he left without warning, because I didn't get to write a song for him! So I quickly wrote a poem to be read at the funeral after they played the song I wrote for mother (which was their request) It haunted me that I never learned to play the fiddle for him either. So that was what the poem was about. Fiddle players in Heaven.

There were messages in this whole thing for me. After the funeral we had to take care of all of our family things that had accumulated for nearly 44 years, and I found my grandmother's old Bible. Inside was my baptismal certificate from when I was a baby! So I wasn't "unchurched" my whole life! No, actually the memories flooded back of how much I loved to attend Sunday schools and VBS when I got to stay at my grandparent's telephone exchange in Camargo, Oklahoma. (They owned the phone company) My favorite part was the singing. But more than anything I think I liked the attention. (smile) Everyone in town knew my grandparents, so I got special attention going to church. It was fun. Today I look at all the children that never have either of those luxuries. But there it was. Proof I was a child of God! The first thing I did with my inheritance money was to send some to the local church of the same denomination of the church where I was baptized. I visited a few times, too. But I was still in the habit of lazy, selfish Sundays.

A few months passed and I wrote and recorded a song called "Tell Mother and Daddy I Love Them" and I sang it in a new church I was going to. I started at this church when someone invited me to hear a Christian Country singer there. Another planned step, I'm sure! I was VERY impressed. I didn't know people did that in church. He sang 20 minutes and sold everyone CDs and tapes. That was my kind of church! When I sang for them, the people in the church encouraged me to go into music ministry, too, so that is what I did.

I wanted to do my ministry right, so I registered for a music ministry seminar in Estes Park, Colorado. I also auditioned at the local community college for a music scholarship and won it, too! I wanted to be more than an "ear-trained" composer and wanted to brush up on my writing, too. I won a full scholarship at age 42! Then soon after that, my world of I-I-I started falling apart!

I didn't get the message here yet either. First it was the fire that took our home. But I was still determined to go to this seminar two weeks later! Then, the weekend before we left, I fell down the steps at the church and severely sprained my ankle. But I still went and hobbled all over the hills on foot. With little money after the fire (fighting with the insurance company—which went on for 7 years while we lived in the barn.) I took my youngest son with me and we had to travel by BUS 26 hours each way. It was a good experience for both of us. Then as soon as we got back, I continued in the wrong direction with my talents. I started school and the first week, my oldest son crashed into a church! (I think I wrote about all this in the "Investing in Jesus" post.) So I of course quit school and gave up the scholarship.

While I was in the hospital with my "dying" son Travis, I put headphones on him and played Christian Hip Hop music, since a nurse told me their hearing was the last to go. I felt SO heartsick, raising him unchurched like I did. Would he be saved? Is her scared? That was when I brought in a pastor to Christen him. This was the first sign I got that he would live. He raised his knee up in the bed. Doctors said at best he'd be a vegetable the rest of his life. But for some strange reason I was still singing!!! I wrote a positive Christian lullaby for him as he lay in the coma and I sang it in his ear every night for weeks, until I found him taping his toe to the music one day! (To the Hip Hop, not the lullaby) Since God obviously heard my prayers and my promise— when I told Him if he spared my son I would tell more people about His—the miracles were unending! And the horrible things they did to him in that hospital, giving him up for dead. What a story I have to write about that!

I was so thankful that none of us were hurt in the fire, and now this. What was God trying to tell me, or show me? There was a much bigger picture here. People don't just crash their cars into churches!

I knew there was a reason the only thing I had left from the fire was my music and computer recording equipment, too. So after all the miracles we received while my firstborn son was in that awful hospital were phenomenal! He was going to live! Maybe it was his song that was going to be heard by the right people. I never thought about the fact that every good music ministry has a good testimony to tell, and this was a DOOZY crashing into a church to become radically saved!

What a blessing it was to watch your child learn everything from an infant state, the second time in his life! He had to learn how to sit up and balance, talk, read, write, stand alone, feed himself, dress and walk... he set goals and by Christmas was out of the hospital. One year later he decided he would go back to college and get his degree. It took him eight years and about 150,000 dollars he didn't have, but he did it!

SO... After watching my son go from coma to college... during that eight years I was also learning to a HUGE degree!

My good husband sold off a collection of his so I could have enough money to record a "project" or CD in Nashville. I needed ten songs. The Adult A.D.D. I'd finally been diagnosed with, caused a lack of focus that barely allowed me to make it to the ninth song by the deadline. That ninth song was "Mary's Lamb" that came with the HUGE vision of this little lamb that I knew was much too big for me to handle. The dreamer that I am, saw all those kids with that lamb on their clothes, backpacks and school supplies, and I just put it aside. I'd had screen printing experience and knew the expense involved. But God wasn't going to let me forget this vision! I just didn't know it yet.

I found a producer out of the Singing News Magazine. He seemed wonderful enough. Had a lot of credits to his name and I was drawn to him. When I got to Nashville I had no idea that he was with TBN studios. (Trinity Broadcast Network) I can't begin to tell you the experiences I had in that place. It was awesome and scary all at the same time. It was on the grounds of the old Conway Twitty mansion. The whole recording experience was thrilling for me, but I still only had nine songs. That meant when my CD was put on cassette, the sides would not match and they would have to eliminate a song. For some reason Mary's Lamb was no longer the ninth song. Another song was cut instead. The song that was cut was a swing tune called "This Stone's for You!" all about how we shouldn't judge or throw stones at people.

"Is this stone for you, to cast without a doubt? Is this stone for you? Or is this stone for you, to hold and think about; then know on jugement day— the stone you're holding in your hand, could have been your heart!"

The song was really one of my favorites to perform. I had a rose quartz stone shaped like a heart and I would toss it in the air and catch it. Or not. My kids bust out laughing at a Gospel concert when I missed and dropped it. The one with the brain injury had trouble keeping his emotions under control sometimes and he would get the other one going who was only ten at the time. The conservative congregation did not think it was funny at all!!! My boys never got to go to any more of my more "serious" concerts. They were used to me making people laugh and the oldest always loved saying he couldn't help it, that he was filled with the Joy of the Lord.

I will never forget our first Communion after his accident. I was having trouble picking up my portion of bread and holding up the line. The first laughed, then the younger, and of all things... I could not hold it back myself! I was SO embarrassed. A time when we are paying our respects to Jesus and we were ALL filled with the Joy of the Lord. It was just so nice to have my son back in our lives! I'm sure God understood. But then again, maybe that was another lesson I needed to learn.

Back on track here... God's gift of talents —moving in the wrong direction.

I started my ministry, with a project ready to sell like all the rest of them were doing and just how I was taught to do at the seminar. I joined a gospel music club and started doing concerts. I also had another ministry going with my youngest son and the teenagers at our church at the time. He led it, and they were high flying swing-dancers for Christ, dancing to Christian swing music and we brought several kids into the church and toured the western states one year. I taught dance and acrobatics for years when I was younger. My mother and sister were both dance teachers, too. I had forgotten the story she told me of how people didn't like them dancing, and wouldn't let them dance often in Texas because some faiths didn't believe in it. But I thought that was probably a thing of the past, since it mentions dancing all over in the Bible. Boy was I wrong! Several people in the gospel music club heard I was also a dancing teacher and they refused to come to any concerts that I took the "Christian Swingkids" to. What was happening? Why was God showing me this now?

I was confused. Even the seminar featured dancing as expression and made a ministry of it. I thought the point was to reach out to the unchurched and teach them about Christ—however we chose to do it. What was the deal? Why were they so different? Aren't we all Christians here? I had also noticed the gospel music club's bylaws excluded many faiths by only allowing what they believed in. They had just forgotten to say "no dancing" and in my case, "over-entertaining." I felt like this was not right when I did one of their seminars with them and met so many talented people from various faiths who complained that they were being left out of this club because of their faith. Many faiths believe in doing some things in moderation in their private lives that was not allowed at all in this club.

I used to smoke. I smoked for twenty five years. I know how hard it was to quit. I never looked at it as a sin though. Just a weakness and an addiction. Besides. Who are we to judge? I can see having rules that you do not smoke or have a glass of wine anywhere around their functions. But do they have the right to tell you what you can and can't do in your personal life? Things between you and God? How will they ever meet anyone that needs to find Christ if they are only allowing "perfect" people into their group? I noticed the concerts were always people who had the same beliefs and had for the most part already found Christ. Wonderful people who loved to be entertained, but not too much! So when someone made a comment about me being overly energetic on stage. I lost interest in their club. As a matter of fact, I watched as some used their awards and positions for promotional gain. This was in fact the bonus of the club. Their yearly awards. Then I opened my big mouth about how unfair that awards system was when I wasn't allowed to enter any of my new songs in the songwriting competition—and the next year they would be to "old" to enter them. So I complained to the same "friend" that asked me to join in the first place, and he shared my "personal" complaint with the entire board! Now that was a lesson in trust! I did get an award. I got the "Newcomer" award and a letter was C was faded and missing on the abbreviation of asscociation on the front of the trophy. It read; "Gospel Music Ass." Which is exactly what I felt like. But I know now I was supposed to have this experience. My husband wanted me to start another club up for all those "Christian Singers" who were not allowed in the "Gospel Singers" club. This is when I realized "Gospel Music" and "Christian music" are a world apart! Their beliefs are different and one is more conservative than the other so one does not accept the other. Like oil and water. Not the kind of behavior you would expect of God's children. How are people supposed to look at the love of God and Christianity and think they may like to practice it when things like this are going on? And in our music? I realized my songs are more Christian and not gospel at all. I may have a country flavor, but I am not "southern gospel" where my beliefs are concerned. I will always love southern gospel quartet singing, and I am so glad they are showing up now on "the other side" of Christian music for all faiths to enjoy.

I am naive and very outspoken and God loves me for who I am. He needs me to be me in order to complete my destiny He has planned for me. He taught me lesson after lesson. I no longer wanted to have a music ministry. I only joined the group because I needed to be with more people making their living this way. I had a huge guilt of making money off of God. How did they do it? Now I will never know. Besides, all the other messages weren't getting through to me that I was not meant to be there. I had my music cued wrong numerous times, I got twisted in cables and shocked by microphones, and I even fell off the stage once! And I really missed Omar.

Do you hear what I saying here? I hadn't become "spiritual" enough to be where I put myself. These people have an awesome relationship with God and do not stand for anyone coming in and messing that up. That is great for them! I just didn't fit into their picture with Jesus yet.

It was on my last "booking" at a fair in the little town of Aline, Oklahoma where my dad grew up, that I think God finally reached me. I drove there alone, like many times before, and played my music while I practiced for the concert. I rarely performed the song "Mary's Lamb" and I really didn't know why, since it was the only one I always remembered the words to. When the song came on my disc player, I saw a highway sign dedicated to someone by the name of Lamb. Then when it played again, I looked up at the clouds and I saw the shape of a lamb. I tried to pass it off as just coensadence.

The concert was rained out by a HUGE thunderstorm and I moved to the inside since I was also an MC for other singers at the fair. This is when it dawned on me that they looked at me as a "gospel singer." Wow. So for some reason I never learned any of my "Gospel" songs on my Omar, and they were disappointed that I didn't. They were there to hear Christian music which was not what I planned to do at their fair. The crowd loved Patsy Cline, Jim Reeves and Brenda Lee, but they wanted to hear the songs I wrote on the Moving Mountains CD. It wasn't that I couldn't play them on Omar, it was just that TBN studios were kind of hard to reproduce on a toy! (By the way Omnichords are not a toy. You have to know chords and music theory really helps since the oldest model I use is missing many chord buttons. I just called it that. Today there is a lot of people who use them and they are much more sophisticated and called a Q-chord.) I wouldn't have done myself justice to try to play my Nashville recorded songs! Now, I don't know why I felt that way. I did Patsy Cline and Etta James songs.

I put the song tracks in and did the concert without Omar. And I decided to sing "Mary's Lamb" and they loved it so much, that I think I liked it better myself. I finished the concert, but I cried myself to sleep that night after watching a full old-time country band play at their dance. It was the first time ever, that people didn't know me and invite me up to sing a few songs with them. That hurt so bad. So something was still missing here. I didn't want to be "just" a Gospel or Christian singer, because I felt like I couldn't entertain people. It was all for the glory of God, so I couldn't cut loose and laugh and have a good time on stage. (Or at least I was made to feel that way by some people) I missed entertaining "the other kind of people" and it was starting to show. But I had a promise to keep. What was I going to do now?

On the way home, I prayed and listened to my music again, wondering what I was going to do with all the CDs I had. "Mary's Lamb" came on my player again. I was taking a different way back after visiting some old friends of my parents, when I saw a registered sheep ranch with a sign out front that said "Lambs for Sale." I laughed and said aloud; "God, I do not have enough property to raise sheep!" (Not thinking of the message there).

When I got back to work, the place I normally went for lunch, had a new sign next to it that read; "Precious Lambs Daycare." I was becoming obsessed with lambs! I saw them everywhere! When some people counted them to fall asleep I was wide awake wondering where they were all coming from! I was working as a screen print specialist helping this company learn to make their own transfers for their teddy bear t-shirts, so I printed up a little hoodie that said "I'd Rather Be a Lamb" and I bought one of their pure white teddy bears to put it on. It sat on my desk and smiled at me daily. I loved my job. They were very easy going for the most part and they all seemed to really like me. Then everything started getting strange. People were stabbing each other in the back to keep their jobs, and I was told they were going to get rid of me once I trained someone else. That triaining began and he was smoking pot out the side doors on his break, so I wanted nothing to do with working with him while he was on drugs. I was also printing shirts that were being brought in and out for another company that my supervisor had... and I know how much profit was being lost by the company I worked for when I did this for him. It was all weird. When it came time to get the first raise I was supposed to get, he acted like he knew nothing about it and wasn't going to give it to me, so I quit. I had never quit a job in my life! Come to think of it, I usually worked for myself. But if this is how it is in the work world, I would say God was showing me yet again, an important lesson in loyalty. I tried to write to the owners of the company to explain why I left and all that was going on, but again, someone I thought was my "friend" stopped the letter! That is even messing with the US government! So they never did find out any of what was going on in that place, and it probably still is.

This was another stepping stone for me to see God's plan for me. While I was there, I learned about the China Plush market and importing. Did you know that almost all the stuffed animals in the US are made in China? A few that aren't are very pricey. And di you know this country spent $400,000,000.00 in one year alone collecting Teddy Bears? Hmmmm. Why not lambs? At this time I could hardly find a plush lamb anywhere! Just a few from the Russ Co. that I dearly loved. Today, there are more of them, most often at Easter time. You should see my collection!

Anyway. I quit my job! What was I going to do now? My husband was retiring and I needed to make better money than just a gig here or there would pay. And he did not want me going back into "regular" music. On the way home, on the day I quit my job, on the same road I traveled many times, there they were. Through my tears I saw the most beautiful little lambs I had ever seen, all lined up next to the fence in a row. I had never noticed this farm had sheep before. I instantly felt comforted.

I put the song in the CD again. The vision came to me like it had many times, but this time I paid attention to it. I saw the lamb more vividly. He was irresistible! The lyrics said "he's following believers everywhere they go, following believers with hearts as pure as snow, just the thought of lambs at school is comforting and cool, to know that Mary's Lamb can follow you though He's against the rules." BINGO! God was using my music to communicate with me! I remembered how it felt to see my parents go to church, I remembered how it felt to watch my son lay dying and wonder if he was saved or not, I remembered everything He was trying to show me! The only way unchurched children can learn is in school, and now they are trying to take God out of our country, starting with our children! That was the message! But the vision was an end result to the plan. I couldn't just expect kids to know this little lamb represented Jesus and start taking him to school, no matter how cute he was! I was still missing the pieces to this puzzel. If I had been more spiritual, I may have gotten the message more clearly or at least in order! But he needed me to be who I am. I'd even started studying Christianity and the unchurched family, once I felt this was my calling.

I was only a children's entertainer in children's church, as I don't have the patience for unruly children. I didn't mind doing parties or shows for them, as long as their parents were with them to keep them under control. Lets just say that I have a lot of respect for teachers! (I was just spoke to again!) I heard that I entertained unruly adult children for many years. He's right. And His children are all ages. Could He have really meant for me to reach the 100 million unchurched people out there as if they were all children? One song can be heard all over the world. And it all started with a song. But how do you reach the unchurched when they don't normally listen to Christian music stations? That's when it hit me. I would have a stuffed lamb. A stuffed lamb with versed clothing like the little clue on the bear's hoodie read; "I would rather be a lamb." If America loves the teddy bear, why can't they love the Lamb and learn from it, too? A tool to use so others can see a reminder of the love of Jesus. A tool for the billions of Christians who are churched to use to reach the unchurched. I won't be alone in this. God showed me he would send help. And lets make it personable and collectible while we are at it. American loves that!

My music was no longer a talent, it was a tool and I was a vessel! My love for songwriting was only there for HIM to communicate with me. I had to become an entertainer because He needed me to pull this off for a crowd! (And take the tomatoes while showing I was not perfect!) The reason I am attracted to the company of characters when it comes to my music is because He made me that way so I would recognize the character in J.C. Lamb and breathe life into him like ventriloquists do. (which is my hobby) He needed me to see from my heart all that could be done with him. Just one song is all I needed to write. The rest was all preparation for this time in my life. I just never dreamed it would be possible to write a novel! But then how else would I reach 100,000,000 people? It was the hardest thing I have done in my entire life. God knows.

It's been a long nine year process and I am excited now to share what all He gave me to put into that book. Once I finally took myself or all the "I-I-I" out of my life, I wasn't so afraid to notice that I had actually been CALLED! This is what it means! This is what it feels like. I just had all the signals messed up because He was calling an unchurched person. If I had a pastor to go to earlier in life, he would have explained it all to me. But then maybe not. I had a lot of lessons to learn and a lot of Bible study to catch up on first.

He continues to lead the right people across my path!

At times I feel to blame because my firstborn son will never be the same again, but yet he has the most positive attitude on life. It's hard for a mother to see their once "normal" child struggling to deal with the physical challenges life has brought them. But he is not "less than perfect." He is definately "more than perfect" when I see how God has used him. I still cry when I hear the song I wrote for him. "God Loves You More." I was in shock all the time he was in the coma. I look back now and wonder how I ever got through it, or how I even had the strength to ask for God's help. Must be the Angels sent to prepare the way.

So we went from my vison of a plush lamb with a special heartpatch with the sign of the fish on it, to a lamb that had a player behind the heart that played the song "Mary's Lamb." I planned a full line of clothing for this little guy. Then having him play my song seemed too ego driven, so I decided to have a special heart recorder made that can be taken in and out and personal messages and prayers applied to it. Much more than todlers needed during play (though it would be nice to hear mom or dad's voice when you are left with a sitter) I decided to sell the plush with a little prayer journal inside the pocket behind the heart and sell the heart recorder separately. I'm still struggling to have a full flock of lambs by Christmas. All this was much too expensive for just me. It is too much to handle for just me. I got it all started and invested thousands into it but it now just sits waiting on an Angel investor to make it all happen.

I need to save my money for the book tours so I have to put the lamb on the back burner once again, knowing I have to come up with the rest of the money in September if I want to see them by Christmas. You never know. I am booked to sign and give away 100 books at the International Christian Retail Show in July. Just maybe some stores will order the book!

This too will pass. (I love that) As you can read in my posts, many things have happened to try and stop me. People think I am weird when I tell them this, but I started being woke at 4:44 am each time I was given a thought or idea to help me keep things going. I was just moving at it all backwards. Putting the plush before the book. I don't quite understand the 4:44 thing. But what I do know is that it happened so often I began to pay attention. I would pray if nothing came to me. I just felt like God was there, spending time with me. I got most of my ideas for everything at this time. Always at exactly 4:44 am.

I never realized it before, but writers are actually entertainers!

I am not a good writer, but I had to write the book because it was the only way I could see to make J.C. Lamb popular so we could complete the vision and use the plush and school supplies to get the message out everywhere, especially in schools. The Secret of Yahweh~ The character's every move came to me with ease. I never had training in illustration either, but I loved desktop publishing. So I learned how to use a word processor for more than song lyrics and I learned to draw and scan the pictures.

God showed me that I could do it. But why did He pick someone with bad grammar and one who can't spell? A rhyming picture book would have been nice! But no. We had to have an 83 thousand some odd word novel with over 100 illustrations!

Now He is showing me that the book is for everyone. Every age! For everyone to reach out to all the unchurched people in our country—in the world! The churched will reach the unchurched! We will "give and share" this book with everyone. He says.

So this is what it is like to be "called." I tease that it feels like it was more of a "setup!"

Seriously. I am honored. I am a basket case now, but I am honored!

I look back at my life and all He had me doing to prepare for this. Starting when I landed a regular spot on local television at age 14 and was scared to death every time that little red light went on. My stage fright is over! I'm not afraid to face whatever is thrown at me anymore. I've been through some horrible things with men in my life and right before it was "time" to show me the right direction He gave me a good husband. One that is not "jealous" or abusive. One who will stand behind me when some faiths try to knock down my efforts. One who can't wait for J.C. Lamb to come to life and for me to succeed at something I love!

40 years. It was 40 years that I went through all these things before I realized God was talking to me. This was my 40 years in the wilderness.

Now I am over 50!

Lets get this show on the road!

LeFerna

PS- I posted pictures of Omar and I on our "Fat & Fifty" comeback tour! A "real" job would make it so I couldn't tour and promote J.C. Lamb when I'm led to do so. From the looks of the gas prices at gig rate, I am going to be on foot!

If you see someone waddling along the road with a little old white-haired man under one arm and a cute, cuddly lamb under the other, wearing a sign on her back that reads; "SUPPORT J.C. LAMB OR BUST"

That would be me. (smile)

The Secret is on Me!

Remember that 82,388 word, 100 illustration novel for children I told you about in my post called "Investing in Jesus?" I explained how it started as a much smaller book titled "Meet J.C." before things happened to lead me into a much deeper study, changing the title to "The Secret of Yahweh!" I had so much fun writing that book. I was like a new child of God myself!

Looking back, this was another great learning experience for me. I didn't believe in the devil back when I lived in my own little unchurched world. I just thought this was it! We were already living in hell and negativity and pain was the devil. That was before I started working for God. Every negative force possible came at me to try and stop me from publishing this book! Everything went wrong with the formatting and my first copy made it out by the deadline of 07-07-07... but it was in terrible shape! I was trying to format with Word and use graphics in the headers and footers... and I didn't know anything about word processing at all! What an experience! Of course our new company took on the publisher roll and THAT was a learning experience and a half! Anyway, I started realizing there must be something very special about this book I was writing, because the stress took it's toll on me. I was beginning to cry over everything like I was having a nervous breakdown and I wanted to quit and give up SO bad— all those things Satan knows a woman with A.D.D. would do! My husband's congestive heart failure got worse and our finances fell apart. When that didn't stop me, I had my own $2000.00 trip (no insurance) to the hospital emergency room and found out I had high blood pressure and Diabetes. Since my grandmother lost both of her legs to this, I thought I should take it serious, but the medicine made me to sick to work. So I am basically on prayer and watching my sugar. I won't let it stop me! I have a promise to keep! Now I have these streaks of white in my hair from all the stress, but part one of the project, the first novel is finished!

"The Secret of Yahweh!" was finally ready to distribute by the SEVENTH revision! So actually the date of the story ended up in first print by 07-07-07 but the book finally came together the seventh try after that. This was not the first hint of biblical numbers in my life, our testimony is filled with them. So I was sure that this book was going to reach the unchurched after all. Hallelujah! God is SO awesome the way He works through us!

And here I thought it would be hard to tell people about Jesus if I couldn't sing it!

As I said in the last post; "The Secret of Yahweh" is a gentle way of teaching about Christianity and exposing some of the myths and secrets in the Bible that have caused so much confusion in our faith. I will not tell you the secrets in this book as it will spoil it for you, but it seems like the REAL secret is on ME! No one can determine an age group for it, and the fact that this book is attracting adult readers is unreal! It was originally written for 7-12-year-old readers with over 100 illustrations added so parents could share it with the younger ones, but I never dreamed I would be entertaining adults in this children's book!

When I asked God "Why me?" looking at this huge project He was giving me, and how much study I had in front of me to do it, He answered "Who better to teach the unchurched than the unchurched?" If I can learn and get excited writing it, then other adults can learn and get excited reading it.

And what I didn't think about until now, was that God's children are all ages! What better way to brush up on your Christianity or learn how to become a Christian than with a children's book? It certainly is easier to understand than the Bible, since I can only write on an eighth grade level! And of course it is going to be entertaining, since that is what I am originally. An entertainer. (I am even taking a ventriloquist course now so that I can go out and promote J.C. Lamb and sell those books!)

A second edition with a new cover has been created since the exciting news that this book is being enjoyed by all ages and read as a family. Also a new media release will go out the second week of June! "Lamb Chosen to Teach 100 Million the Secret - Adults Flock to Read Children's Book!"

Cool, huh?

Pray it reaches the unchurced families! Lets get this little guy out where he belongs!

LeFerna Walch
Mary's Lamb, Inc.